I don’t know what keeps me going back to him. I can’t tell if it’s the good or the bad, the function or the dysfunction, the healthy vs. unhealthy attractions, connections, etc. Each time I think I have my head wrapped around it, each time I think I reached a safe, logical, healthy conclusion, each time I tell myself I’m on the path of healing, I falter, despite the reflection, despite the pep-talks and defenses, mantras, endless conversations with endless people, an infinite amount of analysis. I still don’t have him, me, or “us” figured out.

God or the devil?